Conflict is a normal part of any relationship – whether with family, friends, or coworkers. But each of us approaches conflict a little differently. Some people shy away from disagreements, while others meet them head-on. As a therapist, I’ve seen how understanding your conflict style can be a game-changer for improving communication. In the 1970s, researchers Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann identified five primary conflict-handling styles based on how people balance their own needs with others’ needs (Kilmann & Thomas, 1977). These five conflict styles are commonly known as avoiding, accommodating, competing, compromising, and collaborating. No one style is “best.” Each has its pros and cons. The key is to become aware of your default approach and learn how to use all styles flexibly when appropriate.
Want to know your dominant conflict style? Try the quiz below, which is based on the Thomas–Kilmann instrument. It will help you identify which conflict resolution style you tend to use most often. After the quiz, we’ll explore what your style means, including when it can be helpful, when it might hold you back, and how it shows up in relationships. We’ll also discuss what you can do if you want to shift how you respond to conflict.
Take the Conflict Style Quiz
For each question, choose the answer that best describes how you’d react. Be honest – there are no right or wrong answers. Each choice corresponds to one of the five conflict styles.
The Five Conflict Styles At A Glance
Avoiding – Low assertiveness and cooperativeness. Avoiders sidestep conflict to maintain peace or avoid stress. Useful for trivial issues or cooling off, but chronic avoidance can cause problems to linger and erode trust.
Accommodating – Low assertiveness, high cooperativeness. Accommodators prioritize others’ needs over their own, preserving harmony but risking resentment if their needs are consistently overlooked.
Competing – High assertiveness, low cooperativeness. Competitors push hard for their preferred outcome. This can be effective for urgent decisions or setting firm boundaries, but may alienate others if overused.
Compromising – Moderate assertiveness and cooperativeness. Compromisers seek middle ground so both parties give and get something. It’s efficient for resolving disagreements quickly but may leave deeper issues unaddressed.
Collaborating – High assertiveness and cooperativeness. Collaborators aim for win-win solutions that fully address everyone’s needs. This often builds trust and strengthens relationships, though it requires more time and effort.
Understanding Your Conflict Style
Now that you’ve identified your dominant conflict style, let’s explore each of the five styles in depth. Each style has strengths and potential pitfalls. You might even recognize yourself using more than one style depending on the situation – that’s normal. Most of us have one or two preferred conflict approaches that feel most comfortable, often shaped by our personalities and past experiences. As you read through these, try to notice which description resonates with you and how it might apply to your relationships.
Avoiding
What it is: Choosing to delay, sidestep, or withdraw from conflict. If you lean avoidant, you likely dislike confrontation and prefer to change the subject, make a joke, or disengage when tension rises. The instinct is to reduce stress, not to resolve the problem immediately.
When it helps
- Cooling-off periods: Taking space prevents saying things in anger and allows emotions to settle.
- Trivial issues: Not every disagreement needs airtime. For low-stakes topics, letting it go can be efficient.
- Safety concerns: With volatile people or unsafe dynamics, disengaging is protective.
When it hurts
- Problems linger: Unaddressed issues accumulate and resurface later with more intensity.
- Emotional distance: Loved ones feel shut out when important conversations never happen.
- Internal pressure: Bottled-up feelings spill over as anxiety, depression, or sudden outbursts.
How it shows up in relationships
- Silent treatment or disappearing during tense moments.
- Agreeing outwardly and quietly not following through because bringing up concerns felt too uncomfortable.
- Couples avoid sensitive topics to “keep the peace,” which lowers intimacy over time.
Common signs you lean avoidant
- You rehearse hard conversations in your head but rarely have them.
- You feel physical tension or dread when conflict appears.
- People describe you as easygoing but hard to read on important topics.
- You hope time will fix problems without a discussion.
Growth tips
- Start small: Name one concrete preference or concern this week using “I” language.
- Schedule tough talks: Agree on a calm time; structure reduces overwhelm.
- Prepare notes: Outline two points you want to cover and a request you’ll make.
- Pair with repair: After a hard talk, plan a positive activity together to restore connection.
Accommodating
What it is: Prioritizing the other person’s needs to preserve harmony. You may say yes when you mean no, or apologize quickly to end tension. The focus is connection and peace, sometimes at the expense of your own needs.
When it helps
- Low-cost to you, high-meaning to them: A generous gesture builds goodwill.
- De-escalation: Temporarily yielding can calm an overheated moment.
- Relationship repair: A one-time accommodation shows care after a misstep.
When it hurts
- Self-silencing: Your needs go unmet and resentment builds.
- Imbalance: Others may rely on you to give in, avoiding mutuality.
- Loss of authenticity: You feel invisible or unappreciated over time.
How it shows up in relationships
- “Whatever you want is fine,” becomes a default response.
- Apologizing to end tension rather than because it fits the facts.
- A pattern of over-functioning while the other under-functions.
Common signs you lean accommodating
- Difficulty saying no without guilt.
- You track others’ moods closely and adjust yourself to keep peace.
- People describe you as kind but indecisive about your own needs.
- You feel burnt out or taken for granted.
Growth tips
- Micro-boundaries: Practice small no’s: “I can’t this time, let’s plan for Friday.”
- Two truths: Try “I want you to be happy, and I also need X.”
- Non-negotiables: Identify 2–3 values you won’t compromise and share them.
- Check-in ritual: After accommodating, ask for a small reciprocal gesture.
Competing
What it is: Taking a decisive, assertive stance to win an outcome or protect a boundary. You value clarity, efficiency, and results, and you’re comfortable with direct confrontation.
When it helps
- Emergencies: Clear, fast decisions are required.
- Firm boundaries: Protecting safety, ethics, or legal obligations.
- Negotiations: Anchoring high can secure needed resources.
When it hurts
- Relationship costs: Win–lose dynamics erode trust and closeness.
- Tunnel vision: Focusing on positions over interests blocks creativity.
- Exhaustion: Constant battles push people away or underground.
How it shows up in relationships
- Frequent debates with little curiosity about the other view.
- Raised voices or an intensity that others experience as intimidating.
- Two high-competitors stalemate without progress.
Common signs you lean competing
- You speak first and loudest when deciding.
- People describe you as strong, direct, or stubborn.
- Compromise can feel like losing even when needs are met.
- You feel responsible for outcomes and take charge quickly.
Growth tips
- Lead with listening: Ask, “What matters most to you here?” then reflect it back.
- Reframe the goal: Shift from me-versus-you to us-versus-the-problem.
- Right-size the stance: Save full intensity for high-stakes issues.
- Invite options: Brainstorm at least two solutions that meet both sets of needs.
Compromising
What it is: Finding a middle ground so each person gives and gets something. You favor fairness and efficiency to keep momentum.
When it helps
- Moderate-stakes issues: A fair split resolves things quickly.
- Time-limited decisions: Good enough is better than perfect.
- Deadlock breaker: Trade-offs restart stalled conversations.
When it hurts
- Half-met needs: Important values get diluted and dissatisfaction lingers.
- Papered-over depth: Underlying differences remain unaddressed.
- Mediocre solutions: Habitual splitting can block creative, better-than-middle options.
How it shows up in relationships
- Alternating choices (your movie tonight, mine next time).
- Even splits of time, money, or tasks.
- Transactional fairness that may ignore deeper emotional needs.
Common signs you lean compromising
- You suggest meeting halfway early in discussions.
- People describe you as fair and pragmatic.
- You dislike protracted debates and seek closure.
- You sometimes worry solutions feel “meh.”
Growth tips
- Surface interests: Ask what each person really needs before splitting the difference.
- Revisit deals: Schedule a check-in to adjust if the split isn’t working.
- Aim higher when warranted: Collaborate when the stakes or relationship justify the effort.
Collaborating
What it is: Treating conflict as a shared problem to solve. You seek win–win outcomes by exploring underlying interests and brainstorming creative options together.
When it helps
- High-stakes + high-relationship: Both the outcome and the bond matter.
- Complex issues: Multiple needs must be integrated for a lasting solution.
- Change management: Joint design builds buy-in and follow-through.
When it hurts
- Time cost: It can be slow; overkill for simple choices.
- Power gaps: Collaboration stalls when one party can’t risk honesty.
- Perfection trap: Chasing ideal symmetry delays decisions.
How it shows up in relationships
- Curiosity, validation, and transparent needs on both sides.
- Co-designing solutions and setting check-ins to fine-tune.
- Explicit accountability with compassion for course-corrections.
Common signs you lean collaborating
- You ask many questions before proposing fixes.
- People describe you as fair, thoughtful, and creative.
- You prefer durable agreements over quick wins.
- You enjoy problem-solving together.
Growth tips
- Pick the right problems: Don’t collaborate on the trivial; save it for what matters.
- Mind the clock: Timebox discussions and decide, even if it isn’t perfect.
- Create safety: Normalize partial agreements and iterative adjustments.
Moving Forward: Flexing Your Conflict Style
The key to handling disagreements effectively is not mastering one "right" conflict style, but developing the flexibility to use the appropriate style for any given situation. This begins with self-awareness. Recognizing your default style allows you to interrupt automatic reactions and choose a more constructive response. Since conflict styles are learned habits, they can be changed with conscious effort. To become more flexible, you should reflect on the origins of your style, set clear goals for which new skills to practice, and build those skills gradually in low-stakes situations. It's also helpful to communicate your intentions with loved ones and seek resources like therapy or books if needed. Ultimately, the goal is to view conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and stronger relationships.
Key Takeaways
- Flexibility is the Goal: There is no single "best" conflict style. The most effective approach is to be flexible and use the right style (e.g., competing, accommodating, collaborating) for the right situation.
- Start with Self-Awareness: Understand your own default conflict style so you can catch unhelpful patterns in the moment and consciously choose a different response.
- You Can Change Your Style: Conflict styles are learned habits, not permanent personality traits. You have the power to change them through practice.
- Build New Skills Gradually:
- Reflect on where your style came from (e.g., family, work).
- Set a clear goal for a new skill you want to develop (e.g., be more assertive or a better listener).
- Practice new behaviors in small, low-stakes disagreements first.
- Talk to your loved ones about the changes you're trying to make.
- Reframe Your View of Conflict: See disagreements not as inherently bad, but as opportunities to build deeper understanding and create better solutions.
- Appreciate All Styles: Every conflict style has value in certain contexts. The goal is to expand your toolkit, not discard your natural tendencies entirely.
3 Comments
Andrew Small · August 24, 2025 at 5:59 am
I love how you emphasize flexibility as a key takeaway! In my experience, understanding one’s default style can truly shift interactions from reactive to proactive, enhancing communication overall. This perspective makes me see conflicts more as opportunities rather than threats, which is such a refreshing mindset shift.
Grant Hicks · August 28, 2025 at 7:44 am
The section about building new skills gradually was very encouraging! As someone trying to be more assertive without losing empathy, practicing in low-stakes situations seems like an excellent strategy. It’s comforting to know that conflict styles are learned habits and thus adaptable with conscious effort.
Kyle Simmons · September 1, 2025 at 3:44 am
I appreciate the insight on the ‘Competing’ conflict style! It mirrors my own approach during high-pressure situations at work where quick decisions are crucial. However, I now realize that this might create tension in personal relationships if not balanced correctly. Your tip about leading with listening is a valuable takeaway for me.